If you follow me on Twitter or know me more personally, this probably won’t come as too much of a surprise. But…I’m bisexual. It’s not something that I like to broadcast, but I figured why not write a post about this since it’s #LGBTApril? It’s the perfect time to come out of the closet!
I actually wouldn’t say that I’m really in the closet, though. All of my friends and family know, and it’s not something that I go out of my way to hide…
It’s amazing how much more lesbian I get after only one drink.
— Miranda Mowbray (@tempestbooks) April 1, 2014
But I don’t go out of my way to shout from the rooftops that I’m not straight, and if you’re a casual reader, you probably just assumed that I was. Especially because I have a long-term boyfriend that I talk about fairly often! The truth is, though, that I’m not. And it’s something that I’ve known about myself since I was 11 years old.
The reason I don’t like talking about it very much is because I feel like female bisexuals are really stigmatized. Not in the homophobic sense, even, but in the way that everybody just kind of laughs it off…like I’m just some drunk girl in a bar who makes out with other chicks to score free drinks. But that’s so not who I am at all.
What it is like is…falling in love with your best friend in junior high and then, 6 years later, watching her fall in love with you, too…never understanding girls who freak out over “hot guys” because there’s only like 20 men you’ve ever been really attracted to in your whole life…not having “book boyfriends” because what you actually want is to kiss the heroine.
Yes, I do have a serious boyfriend. But my sexual identity is about so much more than that. If I had to describe it in clearer terms, I’d probably say something like…I’m 70% lesbian and 30% straight. So even though I’m dating a guy, I’m still almost exclusively attracted to women. But, luckily, sexism and horny men exist, so my boyfriend has no problem with me flirting with girls, even though I’m sure he’d have a coronary if I did the same thing with a guy. I’m not sure if that’s technically “right,” but there’s no user’s guide to living life as a bisexual, so I’m making up my own rules as I go. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be with a girl again one day. It could totally happen.
But I do struggle with the fact that I want to be proud of my sexual orientation yet, from the outsider’s perspective, I just seem like a straight girl: I have a boyfriend, I’m really girly, I went to Catholic school. I totally get why people would automatically assume that I’m straight. It’s just so obvious. But, actually, it’s not.
So sometimes, like with the blog, it’s just easier to not ever really talk about it. I mean, what am I going to do? Just randomly slip it into conversation or put it on my “About Me” page? And it doesn’t really just come across in my posts like it might if, say, a gay guy were writing this blog. So it would feel weird to specifically highlight it, yet it’s also weird to seem like I’m hiding it. And it’s not an easy thing to just say, either. Like…I’ve written this whole post just explaining the fact that I’m bisexual. Because there is a stigma attached to it, I feel the need to explain myself every time I have this conversation with somebody. Like: yes, I’m bisexual…here’s what that means and doesn’t mean.
But, ultimately, I am proud of who I am, and I love my life the way it is. I wouldn’t have it any other way… You just have to get to know me a little bit to truly understand the real me.